


Overboard

by assassinslover



Category: Skins (UK)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-09-28
Updated: 2012-09-27
Packaged: 2017-11-15 04:38:30
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 14,684
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/523230
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/assassinslover/pseuds/assassinslover
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Freddie lets the demons in, lets them catch her, devour her, kill her. Katie doesn't. Keffy.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

_I'm right on the edge, someone stop me_

_Is anyone out there watching?_

_Don't let me fall to heartbreak_

_I'm here in need, come rescue me_

Overboard Ft Livvi Franc – Marie Digby

She digs her fingers tightly into Katie's shoulders, hides her face in Katie's neck and tries to keep anymore tears from falling.

"Freddie!" She looks around wildly. There's too much light, too much noise, too many colours, too many people. Too much. Too  _fucking_ much. Her heart is stuttering painfully, her vision blurry. "Freddie!" She registers the tall, lanky brunette's body in front of her, and his large hands around her shoulders. She needs something to cling to, and when Katie transfers her to Freddie, she clings to his shirt.

Tries to believe him when he says it's okay. Doesn't. She recognizes Cook in the crowd; doesn't want either of them there.

She tries to say so, to cry out for Katie, but the words get caught in her throat and she chokes on a sob instead. Her unspoken plea is granted when Katie's arm wraps around her shoulders and her and Freddie lead her away from the crowd, from the noise, from the pain.

Except they don't take her away from the pain. It's still there, in her chest, under her skin, in her fucking  _bones_  and she can't escape it. It's all she is. Just pain. Just one big fucked up mass of pain, all nerve-endings that fucking explode when so much as brushed.

She doesn't know where she's being taken, just focuses on Katie's arm around her shoulder and keeps her own tightly about Katie's waist. It's quiet here. It's nice. The quiet is nice. It's peaceful. She likes peaceful.

He seems like a nice enough old man, not that she cares. She stares at the floor. Tries to keep it together.

"Which one of you lovely girls is Elizabeth?"

"I'm Katie," Katie answers for the both of them and squeezes her shoulder slightly.

"Lovely. Sit down, Freds."

"No, no, Grandad, I've got to stay with her, alright?"

"It's fine. Sit down." She doesn't want Freddie to stay with her. She wants Katie. She doesn't know why she wants Katie, but she does. Doesn't know why Katie is even doing this for her, but she is. Freddie can fuck off. Freddie makes her weak. Freddie lets the demons in, lets them catch her, devour her, kill her. Katie doesn't. Katie fends them off. Katie lets her be strong. Katie is strong. Freddie is weak. She traces the patterns woven into the carpet and lets Katie pull her closer as her body begins to tremble again. She doesn't acknowledge Freddie's grandfather's suggestion that Katie take her for a cup of tea, but lets Katie turn her around and lead her anyway.

"Come on, Eff." Her eyes water. She tightens her grip on Katie again. "Everything's alright."

The door click shuts. It echos in her head. It's not alright. Nothing is alright. Everything is fucked up. Katie's lying. Lying to make her feel better. Nothing is alright. Katie's guiding her, holding tightly, a hand gripping her upper arm now as well, keeping her steady. Her knees are weak. She leans against Katie and half stumbles into the kitchen. The counter serves as a good enough support as Katie wanders around and searches through the cabinets for the tea. That's when she spots it; glinting brightly. Sharp. Lethal. She grabs it and darts, knocking over a pot as she does so. It clangs loudly to the ground, alerting Katie, and she jumps and cries out at the sound.

"Effy!  _EFFY!"_  She runs.

She ends up in the toilet. It works, there's a lock. She latches it, stumbles into the sink. Clutches the knife tightly in her hand until her knuckles turn white and strain against her skin. There's too much noise. Katie is banging on the door, calling her name. She slumps against the cabinets behind her and covers her face. She almost cuts herself with the knife, almost. Remembers at the last second that she's holding it and lets it fall to the floor. She rocks back and forth.

"Effy! Open the fucking door! Please! EFFY!"

"NO!" Her breathing is ragged, burns her throat. She wants it to stop, wants all of this to stop. Needs it to stop. Needs the voices to stop, the pain to stop. Her fingers curl around the hilt of the knife again and it burns her skin. It hurts, it fucking hurts. Too deep, some miraculously logical part of her brain screams. She ignores it, slashes the other wrist. There's blood. She can feel it slicking her fingers and palms and the floor beneath her. Breathing is hard. Her vision is graying.

The last thing she sees is Katie's worried eyes and panicked expression as Freddie cradles her limp body against his chest, screaming for help, as everything goes black and fades into nothing.

She dreams of a gray cloud swirling and she's trapped in it. No matter where she looks it's the same. Faces occasionally swim before her eyes. She can hear voices, but they don't sound like they're in the dream. Not all of them, at any rate. She sees Tony and Freddie and her mother all standing in the mist, staring at her. She tries to talk, but no words come out. She sees herself, a decade younger, lips messily sewn shut, familiar eyes bright. The dream doesn't last long and then she's in Gobbler's End, in their campsite. Everyone is sleeping, she knows. But Katie's not there. Not with Freddie like she should be. She hears crying.

She swallows hard, and wanders into the woods. Follows the noise, her hands out in front of her in the dark. The moon is full; bright, but she still can't see well. The crying is closer now, sounds like it's almost next to her. She looks around, then down at the dirt and leaves covering her feet. There's a form in the darkness.

"Katie?" She almost doesn't recognize her own voice, feels like it's been ages since she's last heard it.

"Wake up, Eff. Wake up. You can't just fucking leave like this, you  _cunt_."

"What? Katie, I'm awake. I'm up." She tries to move towards the form, Katie, but can't move her feet. She blinks, just once, and then Katie is in front of her, dark eyes dead and blood coating the left side of her face.

"You've killed me."

She shoots up, eyes wide, and panics. Her breathing is ragged, gaze darting around the room. She moves her hands to cover her face and feels the tubes attached to her wrist. There are hands on her shoulders, and then her palms, pulling her fingers away. She fights.

"Effy, it's okay!" She meets Katie's eyes, the brunette's voice taking away all desire to resist the fingers around hers and she lets Katie pull her hands away from her face and set them gently in her lap. "Here." Katie offers her a plastic cup, half filled with water. She drinks it greedily and Katie fills it up again and leaves it sitting on the tray beside the bed when she refuses it. Katie's eyes are red, but there's no blood on her face. She reaches up, touches Katie's scar, watches her flinch and pull away.

"It was only a dream, Effy," Katie says. She opens her mouth and tries to speak. All that comes out is a hoarse croak. Katie hands her the water again and watches as she slowly drinks it. When the soreness in her throat dissipates slightly she tries again.

"Why're you here, Katie?" Her voice is rough, barely there. It hurts to talk. Katie doesn't answer, just shrugs and offers her more water.

"Your guess is as good as mine, babes," Katie finally says, voice thick. Katie's hand is still over hers, resting in her lap. She eyes the tubes attached to her arm and then stares into the cup of water she's holding. She's not thirsty. Katie takes it from her and puts it back on the tray again. "Your mum is waiting. She wanted to come in when you woke up." Katie gets up, makes to leave, but stops when her wrist is grabbed.

"I don't want to see her," she says firmly, looking Katie over as the brunette slowly sits back down. The fake eyelashes are gone, but the make-up is still there, mascara streaked. The costume is gone as well, replaced by typical Katie wear.

"She's your mum, Effy."

"No." Katie sighs. She looks away, closes her eyes again. Everything is heavier when she's sober. Colder. Clearer. She hates is. Loathes it. The alcohol, the drugs, they make her feel like she's floating. Light as a fucking feather. She's too weighed down.

"Effy?" She looks over. Katie's holding her hand again. No words follow. She scowls weakly.

"What, Katie?"

"Why?" She's quiet for a while, staring into Katie's eyes.

"To make the pain stop." She hates the pity-filled look Katie has fixed on her. She doesn't need pity. Not from Katie, not from Freddie, certainly not from her mother, who picked a great time to pull her shit together and start giving a fuck.

"What fucked you up so much, Eff?" Katie asks softly.

"Life," she replies. Her eyes burn. She rubs at them, lets them slide shut.

There's no dreams this time. Just darkness.

Her mother has taken Katie's place when she wakes up again. She frowns.

"Where's Katie?" she croaks. She doesn't know why she cares.

"Gone home, love. You've been asleep all day." She doesn't respond. The bandages around her wrists are fresh, the tubes gone. She notices a small origami crane on her tray, picks it up with trembling fingers. Anthea watches. She begins to unfold the crane, starting with the head, like she's unfolding herself. "The doctor agreed to release you at the end of the week. I think therapy would be good for you. For a little while, at least." She looks at Anthea for one long second and continues unfolding the crane. She recognizes Freddie's writing. "He's a good lad, that Freddie," Anthea continues. Carefully, she smooths the paper out of the tray, traces the words with her fingers, stares at them. Repeats them in her head. Love. She tried love. This is where it got her.

She folds it back up, exactly the way she'd unfolded it until there's a somewhat sloppy crane resting in the palm of her hand. Her fingers twitch. She wants to crush it, sets it on the tray instead.

"Is Tony coming home?" Anthea looks like she'd forgotten she had another child. Typical.

"I'll ring him," her mother reassures, nodding her head as if she needs to remind herself. "You've not eaten yet. Let's get you some supper, yeah?" She agrees, slowly. "Oh. Here." Anthea holds out her mobile. She takes it, switches it on. Anthea is talking to a nurse about food. There's two missed calls, a voice message and a text from Cook, which is surprising and unwanted. She deletes them. Freddie's sent several texts, which she ignores. There's a voicemail from both Naomi and Emily, saying that they'll swing by to see her either in hospital or at home when they get the chance. Panda explains that her mother won't let her visit. Thomas and JJ sent nothing, nor did Katie.

She feels disappointed and isn't quite sure why.

The food is disgusting, but under Anthea's watchful eye she eats most of it until she starts to feel nauseous. Freddie texts again. She tells him to fuck off. A knock of the door frame makes both her and Anthea jump. She doesn't know how to react to seeing Katie in the doorway.

"Hi," Katie says awkwardly, eyes darting between her and Anthea.

"Hello, dear," her mother replies, sounding a tad shocked. Katie is looking at her again.

"How are you feeling?" Katie asks her. She shrugs in reply. "Sorry I left. Had to clean up and tell Mum. Took a bit of persuasion to get her to let me come back." She finds Katie's lisp extremely attractive. She doesn't know why. But, she doesn't even know who she  _is_  anymore.

She examines Katie closely. Her clothes are fresh, face scrubbed clean, no make-up. There's a bag in her hands too large to be a purse. Katie notices her gaze on the bag.

"Oh," Katie says, hoists the bag and offers a smile. "I brought a couple magazines. And one of Emily's books that her and Naomi said you might like. And a hoodie. You were shivering a lot, so... yeah." She feels like she should smile and say thank you, but she can't. Anthea does for her.

"I'll leave you two be, then," her mother says, vacating the chair, which Katie takes, and hesitantly kissing her forehead. Anthea tucks her hair behind her ear and it's such a motherly gesture that she's not sure how to respond. An uneasy smile fixes itself up on her lips. Anthea's eyes brighten, then tear up slightly. She had no clue her smile could affect someone that much. "I'll be back later, love," Anthea continues, hand against her cheek. Then it's just her and Katie and a silence that should be more awkward than it is.

She ends up wearing the hoodie, which smells like Katie's perfume, while the brunette sits with a hand on her arm, reading  _Wuthering Heights_  and tripping over a word every now and then. She feels content, something she doesn't remember ever really feeling, save when she was little. They stay like that for a while, a long while. She doesn't follow the story closely, pays more attention to Katie's voice, turns her head and watches the brunette's lips as she speaks. She can't explain it, any of it: why she ran to Katie during the parade, why she was disappointed when she woke up to her mother instead of Katie, and for that matter, why Katie is sitting here, reading her a book she probably doesn't care for. She doesn't like not being able to explain things.

"Mum wants to put me in therapy," she says abruptly. Katie stops reading and looks up, examines her and nods once.

"Yeah?"

"I don't talk."

"Maybe you should try it." Katie starts to read again, but she interrupts.

"Why are you doing this, Katie?" The brunette is quiet for a minute.

"You were there for me when everything started to fall apart and you didn't have to be," Katie says softly. "I'm returning the favour, I guess." She takes Katie's hand, squeezes once. She doesn't need to voice her thanks; Katie already knows.

Katie visits her every day until she is discharged. She's never been grateful for anyone's company before, other than Tony's.

Therapy is a nightmare. Effy is still sober, Anthea having cleared the house out and her not bothering to try and get anything. Her therapist is a balding old man with shaky hands and stutter. His office smells like peppermint. She hates peppermint.

"Elizabeth, please answer the question." Effy, reclined on the cliché settee with her hands linked on her stomach, stares at the ceiling. She doesn't know this man and he knows nothing about her, so it's impossible for him to help her at all. "Why all the drugs?" Effy sighs and fixes cold eyes on the man.

"Because they make me feel good," she spits out.

"This isn't going to work if you don't cooperate." Effy gets her jacket and leaves.

Tony is at the kitchen table when she gets home.

"Aren't you supposed to be somewhere?" he asks, casually buttering toast. He hands it to her.

"It's shit, Tony. I don't know why she thought this would work."

"Therapy isn't for everyone, I suppose." Effy sits down and lights a cigarette. "What about that girl who was in your room every day at the hospital? What's her name... Natalie?"

"Katie."

"Right, Katie. Why don't you try talking to her instead?"

"Because talking isn't something I do."

"Well, maybe you should start. I got my shit together, you can, too." She flips him off and finishes her toast.

"Fine. I'll... try. No guarantees." Tony smiles at her, his own toast in hand.

"Nothing in life is guaranteed, Eff," he replies, reaching across the table for Effy's lighter. "You know that." She finishes her cigarette in silence, calls Katie and arranges to meet at the park. Effy doesn't bother searching for vodka. She knows she won't find any, but she steals some of Tony's spliff and leaves a note for Anthea, since she doubts her brother will be around by the time their mother gets home.

"So, you're really stopping then?" is the first thing out of Katie's mouth when she notices the lack of hard drugs and alcohol on Effy's person. Effy pauses. Is she? She offers Katie the spliff and sits on the bench next to her. She's tried before to stop drinking, to stop with the drugs, but something always fucked her up and she'd be right back into the same habits again. But something is different this time, she can't quite put her finger on it. It must be because college is almost over. Effy has aspirations, of course she does. No one knows about them, none of their business, honestly, but she has them.

"Eff?" Katie prompts and Effy realizes that she's been quiet for some time.

"Yeah. Mostly," she answers simply and finds it's not a lie to appease Katie. It's time to grow up. Drugs don't fix things, just delay the inevitable. Katie nods and passes her the spliff.

"Good."

Things don't go smoothly; of course they don't, she didn't expect them to. With Tony gone back to university, she's more or less alone whenever she's not out with Katie or Naomi. She's turned the house inside out looking for something,  _anything_ , but there is absolutely nothing, not even wine. Somehow Anthea managed to find all her hiding places, both in her bedroom and in Tony's. She sure her brother had a hand in that and knows he means well, that they both do, but in her current state she curses the stupid wanker.

So she rocks back and forth in bed, only a dress-shirt and knickers on with her arms wrapped tightly around her knees, body shaking violently, sweat soaking her skin. Her breathing is rapid and shaky, heart stuttering wildly against her ribcage. It's quiet, thankfully. No one is there to see her being anyone other than Effy fucking Stonem. She grinds her teeth, pulls at her hair, bites her nails. She ignores her mobile as it begins to vibrate against her nightstand, then pick it up and violently throws it across the room when it doesn't stop. It continues to vibrate against the carpet, sound muted.

Five minutes later, could be fifteen or thirty, or an hour for all she knows, someone is pounding furiously on the front door. She doesn't speak, doesn't move, just stays in bed. She hears muffled curses, growing clearer and clearer.

"Fucks sake, Effy, I know you're here, pick the fuck up when I-" Her bedroom door opens and Katie immediately shuts up. The brunette's arms are around her in a second, fingers brushing her damp hair from her face. "It's okay, Eff." She fights against Katie's hold, feels her eyes tearing up. The scabs on her wrists hurt, itch. She goes to scratch at them, but Katie stops her. Her head feels like it's splitting int two. Katie tries to hold her again. She claws at the brunette. No one is allowed to see her this broken. Not her mother. Not even Tony. Certainly not Katie. She fights, but Katie doesn't relent, keeps trying. Eventually, she breaks, clings to Katie like she did during the parade and tucks her face into Katie's neck. Her nostrils flare, taking in the familiar scent of the brunette's perfume. She bunches the back of Katie's shirt up in her fists.

"It's okay, Eff," Katie coos into her ear, stroking her hair. "It's okay. Trust me." She almost does.

She doesn't know why Katie's embrace soothes her, but it does.

Katie leads her slowly to the bathroom once her shudders have grown less violent. She stands with her arms wrapped around her torso while Katie fills the tub with lukewarm water, constantly checking the temperature, and then helps her undress. She wonders why Katie stares. She sits in the warm water and lets Katie comb out all the snags in her hair for her.

"Scrub up, then," the brunette says when she's done, sitting on the toilet and procuring a nail file from nowhere. She looks at Katie, who's eyes are now averted, and does as she's told. She can't reach her back, tells Katie. The brunette doesn't complain, just kneels by the side of the tub and takes the sponge. She scratches at her wrists. "Stop that," Katie says firmly. She does and traces shapes in the water with her finger instead. She can't help closing her eyes and concentrating on the feel of Katie's hands on her back. "Do you feel better?" She nods. "Let's get you something for dinner, come on." Katie helps her stand, ignoring that water is soaking through her top. Katie smiles softly at her, she finds herself smiling back.

Effy watches Katie's back as the brunette scrambles eggs for them, examines how Katie's muscles shift beneath her skin. A desire to stand up and place her hands against Katie's flesh and feel her muscles move almost overwhelms her, but Effy pushes it away and keeps herself seated.

"Milk or mango juice?" Katie asks, rummaging through the refrigerator.

"Mango. I didn't know you could cook," Effy comments as Katie pours them both glasses of juice. The brunette gives her a sarcastic look.

"Yeah, well, eggs aren't really that hard to make, but Emily and I would have starved to death years ago if we didn't learn to make our own meals." Effy inclines her head slightly in response and Katie serves up the eggs. Effy is still shaking, but she eats slowly, watching Katie silently. The brunette fidgets under her gaze but doesn't object.

"You've changed," Effy remarks after a while, finishing her mango juice and pushing her food scraps around on her plate. Katie is biting her lip. She clears both their dishes then braces herself against the sink. "I stopped talking for a whole year once, just because I could," Effy offers, remembering Tony's advice. The words feel strange on her tongue. It'll take some time to get used to, this talking thing.

"I can't have kids," is Katie's blunt response. Effy offers her a cigarette from the pack on the table. Katie takes it and ends up coughing again. Effy rolls her eyes and places her fingertips against Katie's chest. She almost yanks them away when they begin to burn. Touching someone has never sparked like that before.

"Inhale, now inhale again from here, remember?" Effy explains shakily. Katie nods.

"Yeah, I remember," she says. Effy has to remind herself to pull her hand away. She stands and grabs the milk from the fridge, refilling her glass. Katie shakes her head when Effy offers her some.

"Why'd you stop talking?" Katie asks, passing her the cigarette.

"To make a point," Effy responds and shrugs. They share the cigarette in silence. It's not much, but it's a start.

It gets easier after t hat. But things never stay simple and her and Katie aren't exactly cut out to be friends, and definitely not anything more. She cocks it all up, like she always does.

They're at Effy's sitting and watching some old black and white film she's found sitting in the back of a cabinet under the telly. They're sharing a cigarette, shoulder to shoulder on the sofa, even though there was plenty of room for them both.

"I wish I could have love like that," Katie remarks about halfway through the movie, motioning to the couple on the screen.

"Love like that doesn't exist," Effy retorts dryly, reaching across the brunette for Katie's half full wine glass. Katie slaps her hand and glares at her. Effy glares back, her gaze challenging, but back down after a few seconds, slouching against the cushions behind her with her arms crossed over her chest.

"Yeah, well, I still want a love like that. For someone to kiss me just to kiss me, not because they're trying to get into my knickers." She doesn't know what compels her to kiss Katie, because there's no alcohol or drugs fueling her actions. Katie doesn't react. Effy expects to be shoved and slapped, but it doesn't happen. Katie is still until Effy finally detaches their lips. The brunette's face is shocked, her eyes curious. Effy shrugs in response to Katie's unspoken "why?" and has to dig her nails into her palms to keep from touching her lips. She's not sure why herself.

When the movie finally finishes and Katie's headed back home, she still doesn't have any answers, just more questions and a strange fluttering in the pit of her stomach.

Katie sends one text a day to check up on her, but doesn't phone and doesn't come 'round for a long time.

She calls Naomi, and the blonde agrees to meet Effy for lunch.

Naomi looks like utter shit, although she seemed to have at least attempted to clean herself up, but her hair is messy and there's no make-up to hide the bags under her eyes.

"Alright, Eff?" Naomi asks when they meet up outside the pub. Effy inclines her head and waits for the blonde to finish her cigarette before they head inside. "Sorry I haven't been 'round," she continues as they seat themselves.

"Things not going well at Mrs. and Mrs. Campbell's?" Effy asks. Her voice comes out sounding dull. Naomi examines her.

"Not really Mrs. and Mrs. Campbell's anymore now that she's back living with her family." And Effy knows more than Naomi is letting on, and Naomi knows she does, so they sit in silence until Naomi speaks again. "You're looking rather well, considering everything." Effy nods. "Emily mentioned that you and Katie have been seeing a lot of each other lately the last time she rang." Effy nods again, but feels her chest tighten painfully. Naomi pokes at the basket of fish and chips in front of her and Effy sips at her rum and coke. She reaches across and steals a chip. "Eff?"

"She hasn't come around in a while," Effy admits slowly.

"Why's that?" Effy's thankful that Naomi has enough sense not to ask Effy what she's done.

"I... kissed her," Effy continues with some difficulty. Naomi chokes on her food and spends the next minute violently coughing.

"You what?" she forces out, wiping tears off her cheeks and taking a large gulp of her water.

"We were watching some old film. She said she wanted someone to kiss her just for the sake of kissing, so I did."

"What did she do?"

"Nothing."

"Interesting." Effy grunts. "Never pinned you as the spontaneous romantic type, Eff." Effy rolls her eyes and glares at the blonde. She considers Naomi the closest thing to a friend she's got, but she really despises this whole talking thing the blonde requires her to do sometimes.

"I'm not."

"Of course you aren't. Whatever you say, Effy." Effy continues to glare at her. "Have you tried to phone her?" She doesn't answer. "Well then."

Effy follows Naomi's advice and rings Katie when she goes home. After the third ring the call connects and Effy lets out a breath she hadn't realized she'd been holding when she hears Katie's "hello." She can tell the casual tone of Katie's voice is forced.

"I want you to come over."

"Yeah, so?" Katie snaps.

"Come over."

"Look, I've like, got shit to do, okay? I haven't go time for this."

"I don't care. Come over." Effy doesn't want to deal with this; she gets what she wants.

"Fuck off, Effy," is the bitchy reply, reminiscent of old Katie, and the line goes dead.

Fifteen minutes later Effy is smoking on the front steps when Katie gets off a bus at the stop on the end of Effy's street.

"Where's your  _fucking_  coat?" Katie scolds once she's reached Effy's house. "You're going to catch cold, you daft cow and god help you if you think I'm going to take care of your sorry arse if that happens." Effy barely has time to flick her cigarette butt away before Katie grabs the front of her top and all but drags her inside the house.

"Hello, Katie," Effy says in response and pushes Katie's hand off of her shirt.

"You've got me here, what do you want?" the brunette demands, crossing her arms over her chest. Effy shrugs which makes Katie roll her eyes and sigh loudly. "Don't be a cunt."

"I'm not." Katie huffs again and shifts her weight to one foot. "Look, I'm not going to kiss you again." Katie's eyes widen in shock. Effy smirks.

"Okay," the brunette says. Effy notices the way her shoulders relax just the slightest bit. She closes the distance between them and abruptly pulls Katie into an embrace. Katie awkwardly hugs back. They've done this before but it's still odd, and Effy knows that Katie realizes this is Effy's way of thanking her for coming over.

Katie follows Effy upstairs and makes herself comfortable on the bed while Effy searches through a bookshelf, pulling out the copy of  _Wuthering Heights_  Katie had left with her in the hospital. When she'd tried giving the book back to Emily, the redhead had told her to keep it, which surprised Effy, since her and Emily weren't on the best of terms. She holds it out to Katie, who gives her a slightly confused look.

"What?"

"You never finished it," Effy explains as Katie accepts the book, and crawls onto the bed, stretching out on her stomach and using her arms as a pillow.

"I thought you'd finish it on your own," Katie comments, opening to the page that Effy had marked. She doesn't answer and Katie scans the page quickly before beginning to read.

Effy isn't sure how it happens, but she ends up with her head against Katie's thigh and the brunette's fingers threading through her hair.

"It's late," Katie says eventually through a loud yawn. Effy doesn't feel tired. She shifts slightly and lays a hand over Katie's knee. "I need to go home," the brunette continues when Effy doesn't respond and starts to get off the bed, dislodging Effy's head in the process. Effy props herself up on her elbow and utters one word she's never said to anyone before, not even Tony, without thinking.

"Stay." Katie's head whips around so fast Effy hears her neck crack.

"What?"

"Stay," Effy repeats softly.

"I-" Katie begins, clutching her purse tightly. "I have-I've got to, I-... okay. I need something to sleep in, then." Effy climbs gracefully off the bed and opens her dresser, holding out the first oversized shirt her fingers touch for Katie to take and then another for himself. They change with their backs to each other.

"I didn't mind," Katie says when they're settled on opposite sides of the bed. "The kiss." Effy reaches over beneath the sheets and rests her hand over the brunette's. "I'm not gay," Katie continues.

"Neither am I," is Effy's response. Katie flips her hand over and threads her fingers through Effy's and squeezes gently.


	2. Chapter 2

" _I did not know whether I would ever speak to her or, if I did speak to her, how I could tell her of my confused affection. But my body was like a harp and her words and gestures were like fingers running upon the wires"_  


James Joyce,  _"Araby"_  


Katie finally invites Effy out clubbing, just them and Emily and Naomi, who are finally starting to rebuild.

"It's probably like, the last chance we'll have to go out until college ends," Katie tells her over the phone. "No drugs or anything. Unless you want." Effy considers the invitation quietly. Just because Emily and Naomi weren't bringing drugs didn't mean they wouldn't take them, and didn't mean Effy couldn't find someone who had MDMA on them. If Effy took any, she wasn't sure she'd be able to stop. "I won't let you like, relapse or anything," Katie reassures her. "We're just going out for a good time and I don't want to be alone with the lezzas all night. They're like, disgusting when they club."

"Okay," Effy agrees.

"We'll just have a couple drinks and dance, okay?" Katie says.

"Okay."

Despite having been out of the clubbing scene for a while, Effy knows someone at the door and gets them in without any trouble. Naomi and Emily immediately split away from them and vanish into the crowd. It takes a few minutes for Effy to adjust to the atmosphere inside the club. Katie holds her hand to keep them from getting separated and pulls her into a group of people. When she begins to dance, she lets go of Effy.

She's not used to clubbing without drugs or alcohol, so she closes her eyes and listens to the music until it's all she's aware of and begins to sway. Lost in her own little world, Effy doesn't immediately notice when Katie begins to dance against her, a mostly empty bottle of vodka in her hand. The brunette, facing Effy, takes a swig and latches one hand onto the back of Effy's neck, tilting the bottle against Effy's lips. She holds back a cough at the almost unfamiliar burn.

Katie's hips grate against hers, their hip bones touching, breasts brushing together every so often. It's driving her mad, and the heat settling low in her stomach and deep in her chest has nothing to do with the drink her and Katie are consuming. She recognizes the feeling, it's more and more frequent as she spends more and more time with Katie. Her tolerance is still too high for this to be the alcohol, although Katie seems pretty tipsy and Effy wonders how much she's had to drink.

"Eff," Katie says into her ear, the vodka gone, probably snatched out of her hand by someone else. Effy doesn't answer, dropping her hands to Katie's waist. "I'm glad you came out with me tonight."

"Yeah," Effy yells back to be heard over the noise of the club. Katie's hand, the one previously occupied by the vodka bottle, joins the other at the back of Effy's neck. Her fingers dig into Effy's skin, raking across the nape of her neck just hard enough to make Effy shudder.

Later, she'll wonder if it was the alcohol or something else that compelled Katie to kiss her, slow and deep against a wall, with a heavy bass line pumping through her veins and her hands beneath Katie's top, resting on the gentle curve of her hips.

Anthea is happy that Effy has someone to keep her in line, even more so that it's Katie whom Anthea eventually learned was the girl Effy clobbered with a rock that night at Gobbler's End. She's not around much, working during the day and trying her luck dating most nights, but Effy is rarely alone. Katie is there the most, although Naomi visits her frequently as well, never with Emily. She started to text Effy before coming over after showing up while Katie was there which almost resulted in a full out fight that Effy prevented by ushering Naomi out the door with an apologetic look.

Effy despises having to divide her time between Katie and Naomi, but she always chooses Katie over the blonde every time. If Naomi is bothered by it, she doesn't say. Or maybe she's just too caught up in her own shit dealing with her and Emily's relationship to notice or care. Effy is usually more than content to stay in, especially now that Katie is constantly forcing her to review, or help the brunette with her own. Effy doesn't complain; she does want to go to university after all, although she doesn't know what for. She tells Katie so when the two of them are sat on Effy's bed, Katie's face buried in a history text. At the sound of Effy's voice, Katie looks up.

"I don't know, Eff. You're a people watcher, yeah? Maybe psychology. Or even like, philosophy, or something like that. You'd be good at that."

"You think so?" Katie tilts her head to the side, confused by Effy's need to be reassured.

"Yeah," the brunette replies and turns her attention back to the book in her hands. Effy taps her nose, smirking. "Eff," Katie sighs. "I need to review."

"Amuse me," Effy demands, pulling Katie's book out of her hands and throwing it off the bed. "Effy..."

So Effy amuses herself, sliding down the bed and lowering herself to Katie's level and kissing her forcefully. Katie shoots back, a startled look on her face. Effy giggles and Katie's eyes widen.

"What?" Effy comments, raising her hand to play with the ends of Katie's hair.

"I've never heard you laugh. Not when you're sober at least."

"So?" Katie blushes.

"I like it." Effy smiles slightly, then as she touches Katie's cheek her face grows serious. Katie gives her an odd look as she traces the line of the brunette's jaw, slowly moving over her chin, then her lips, the line of her nose and her brow. Katie shifts uncomfortably as Effy's fingers move closer to t he scar strategically covered by her hair. She touches it, brushing her fingertips over the skin. Katie flinches and violently slaps her hand away.

"Katie," Effy says softly as the brunette begins to gather up her things. She wonders why Katie didn't react this way in the hospital, then concludes that it must have been because she was in a state and Katie had ignored it. She repeats the brunette's name when she doesn't receive and answer, then ends up following Katie down the stairs. "Katie!" An apology hangs on the tip of her tongue but she can't make the words come out.

"Fuck off, Effy."

"Katie, I didn't mean to-" She's cut off by Katie shoving her against the front door and kissing her harshly. For someone so tiny, she's surprisingly strong. It's the only time Katie has kissed her sober.

"Don't  _fucking_  do that, Effy," Katie says tensely. Their bodies are flush together and Effy's is heating rapidly, the pressure in the pit of her stomach growing. Katie's breathing is rapid, her eyes almost black. Effy fixes her gaze on the brunette's lips, pink and parted slightly.

Effy stops thinking at that point as Katie's lips press hard against hers again.

She's done this before, but this time something is different. It's not because Katie is a girl, because that makes no difference to her, or because she doesn't know what to do, because it can't be that hard. She's nervous, she realizes as she begins stripping off Katie's top and they stumble towards the stairs. She's nervous because she's kissing and touching and undressing  _Katie fucking Fitch_  and she knows exactly where it's going. She trips on their way up the stairs and takes Katie down with her. She ends up with a lapfull of the Fitch twin, with frenzied hands pulling her shirt over her head and trembling fingers ghosting over the tops of her shoulders.

She wraps one arm around Katie's waist, pulling the brunette tighter against her while her other hand wraps around the banister to stabilize them. Katie's got both arms wrapped around her neck while her lips and teeth work on the brunette's neck, hips pushing down as Katie undulates against her. She doesn't want to do this on the stairs, but Katie doesn't seem to want to give her the option to move it to her bedroom. Her knuckles grow white where she grips the railing, arm shaking with the effort of keeping Katie from falling backwards down the stairs. Her mind races, ears filled with Katie's soft pants and moans.

"Bed," she manages to get out between the frantic kisses that Katie's started pressing to her lips again. "B-Bed," she repeats through a moan when Katie shows no signs of stopping. She doesn't know when Anthea will be home, and doesn't fancy being caught in such a compromising position. Katie finally relents, only for long enough to allow her to stand and drag the brunette up the rest of the stairs. She pushes Katie against the door this time, and feels herself grow wet at the sound Katie lets out when she unclasps the brunette's bra and slides a hand over her breast. Katie's hands dig into her shoulders, breath hot on her ear.

"What are we doing?" Katie half moans. She pins Katie's wrists to the door and presses heated kisses to the brunette's collarbones.

"I don't know," she rasps out, voice husky. "I don't know."

She ends up on top, amazed and ridiculously aroused by the slickness on her fingers and the writhing of the body beneath hers. Katie's hips arch up with each thrust of her fingers and the brunette's arms are wrapped tightly around her shoulders, keeping her from pulling away. Katie's moans echo in her ears. She's sure there will be marks in her skin from the brunette's nails, but it feels too good for her to care. It's almost like she's just popped a shitload of MDMA. Almost.

Her lips ghosts over Katie's skin, she tastes the sweat on the tip of her tongue. Katie is chanting her name softly. She straddles Katie's thigh, needs some sort of pressure. Anything. She grinds. Katie gasps, clenches around her fingers. She doesn't relent, even as Katie's moans grow louder and the brunette's nails dig painfully into her back. She feels her skin split, but it only urges her on. She likes the pain, not surprising.

They come seconds apart, Katie's hands now on her hips, dark eyes burning straight into hers.

Katie is relentless. She finds herself on her back with Katie between her legs and holy fuck that girl knows how to use her tongue. She hadn't expected Katie to be this skilled, this sure, she certainly wasn't and had spent a few minutes fumbling and trying to figure out what to do before Katie had simply put her hand in the right place. She's never been fucked this well. Ever. Wonders absently how Katie is this good at fucking a girl.

As she's sent over the edge again, she screams Katie's name through clenched teeth with her hands knotted in the brunette's hair.

Effy lays her head on Katie's stomach hours later, spent and tired. She traces Katie's hipbone where it juts out beneath her skin, then along the crease where the brunette's thigh begins. Katie's body is still beneath her. Effy's feels heavy, her limbs like lead. It feels like someone has tied weights to her eyelids, but she forces herself to keep them open. She doesn't like Katie's silence. The brunette hadn't stormed out on her afterward, which Effy takes as a good sign, but there's still nervousness brewing in the middle of her stomach and her heart is beating rapidly.

"Katie?" she whispers. Her voice catches.

"I don't know who I am anymore, Effy," Katie tells her. "Too much is changing too quickly. I dunno how to keep up with it all. I never in my life thought I'd be fucking a girl, definitely not you, no offense. Or fucking... feeling all this shit that I don't want to be feeling." Effy lifts her head up, dragging her lips lightly across Katie's skin and kissing each of her ribs. She likes to touch, sometimes. She did with Freddie, tracing the outline of his muscle, and with Cook. It was different with them then it was with the other faceless men she'd fucked. Because she cared about them. Which means she has to care about Katie. Well, of course she cares about Katie, but... there's something else.

She fights down the panic rising in her chest.

"I... think..." Effy stops, squeezes her eyes shut. "I understand, Katie. I know how you feel."

"Do you?"

"I think I do." She feels Katie's hand on her shoulder. "Why did you...?"

"Don't ask me that, Effy," Katie snaps. "Please, don't ask me that."

"Tell me why."

"I  _don't know._ For fucks sake, Effy." Katie shoves Effy off her stomach and sits up, covering her face in her hands and taking a deep breath. Effy watches carefully, then pushes Katie's hair away from her face, brushes across her scar. Katie shoves her hand away, although not as violently as before. "Don't do that." She stands up, shifting uncomfortably as she pulls her knickers back on. "Where's my fucking bra?" Effy takes a glance around then motions to the radiator on the other end of the room. She must have tossed the brunette's bra there earlier. Katie snatches it up and swiftly puts it on. She doesn't meet Effy's gaze.

"Katie, where are you going?"

"Home. I wasn't lying when I told you that I have things to do, and I told my mum I'd only be gone for a little while. It's been hours." Effy frowns. "Don't look at me like that."

"Stay here again. I'll read to you." Katie raises a brow.

" _You'll_  read to  _me?_ " Effy nods. She doesn't know why she's so desperate to have Katie stay. She's used to people not sticking around after sex, she's done it as well. She doesn't like that it's different with Katie.

"Yeah, even if it's just a magazine article." Katie stands with her shirt balled up in her hands. She shakes her head and quickly pulls the rest of her clothes on. Effy doesn't move from the bed as Katie shows herself out.

Effy doesn't like how a part of her suddenly feels empty.

She starts to look into the field of psychology. She isn't sure she wants to do anything with people, though. People are wankers. Selfish tossers. Even her brother is a fucking prick and she loves him. She'd be content to spend her whole life locked away in a flat if it were possible for her to live that way. She shuts her computer off and stretches out on her back, eying the copy of  _Wuthering Heights_  on her nightstand. She wonders how many times Emily read it, for the spine to become so cracked, or if it had been that way before. Katie still hasn't finished it. She knows she's capable of doing it herself, but she prefers hearing Katie's voice, and her lisp and she still likes to watch the way the brunette's lips move when she speaks.

She has images of those lips doing different things now, things that make her whole body shudder and a heat grow between her thighs. She sighs and throws an arm over her eyes, efficiently blocking all light in her room. It was a good fuck, she reasons. It doesn't mean anything.

She's wrong.

Effy swore it would be a one time thing; Katie experimenting, trying frantically to pick up the pieces of her life after everything that had happened with her family and her body's chemistry. But she wasn't, and she initiated the second time in the toilets at school before her History exam and the third during a graduation celebration at Naomi's house, and the fourth in Effy's bedroom after they receive their exam scores. Each time, Katie asks her what they're doing, like Effy knows all the answers. Each time, Effy says she doesn't know, because she  _doesn't_  have all the answers. She hasn't for a while. She doesn't know any more than Katie does. She can't explain what's happening between them, not even to herself.

Katie has gotten under her skin, deep inside her body, in her chest, stuck between her bones. Effy isn't sure how it happened. She thought her defenses were flawless, perfect, impenetrable. She'd pushed Freddie out, pushed Cook away, banished those stupid naïve feelings of love out of her life. And then Katie was there, supporting her, helping her put herself back together piece by piece. Effy concludes that Katie must have left part of herself behind when she was helping Effy rebuild. She wonders if part of her is within Katie, as well.

As she considers this, Katie lets out a frustrated sigh and rolls away from her. Effy adds a fifth tally to the invisible board in her head.

"What are we doing, Effy?" Katie asks like she always does.

"I don't know," comes the reply. Effy shifts onto her side and pulls Katie back to her until they're pressed snugly together without giving the action a second thought. Katie stiffens against her as Effy tucks her chin against the brunette's shoulder.

"Effy, are you okay?" Katie asks, shock evident in her tone, taken aback by Effy's desire to cuddle her. Effy replies with a shrug. She doesn't know if she's okay. Something is happening to her. There's a storm coming, she can feel it, and Effy is getting caught up in its clutches.

"I fancy you," Katie says bluntly one day when they're sitting on the curb outside a cafe, waiting for Naomi and Emily to meet up with them. Effy almost chokes on the smoke she'd been inhaling.

"Everyone fancies me," she replies in a voice that's more a croak then anything else. Katie fixes dark eyes on her.

"Don't be a fucking bitch about this, Effy. I  _fucking_  fancy you, okay?" Katie snaps so loudly that an old couple passing by glare down at them with disapproving looks. Effy gazes at her quietly, but inside her heart is doing this odd flipping thing and her stomach is turning. Her mouth has gone dry. "Say something," Katie pleads. Effy blinks slowly. Katie never pleads. Well, she does, but only in certain situations and even then it's rare.

"Okay," Effy whispers.

"Okay?  _Okay?_ " Katie shakes her head. "You know what, Effy? This whole 'fit and mysterious' thing is getting pretty fucking old." Effy rolls her eyes as the brunette stands up, brushing off her skirt.

"Katie..."

"Don't 'Katie' me, Effy. I'm fucking trying here. Here I am, fucking telling you I like you when I don't know what's happening to me and you like, don't even fucking care."

"I do ca-"

" _Act_  like it then," Katie bites and storms down the street. Effy hesitates for a fraction of a second before following her. She has no difficulty catching up with the shorter girl. She grabs the brunette's elbow and yanks her into the first alley they pass, pushing Katie against the dirty bricks and kissing her hard. Katie kisses back without pause but her eyes are still burning with rage when Effy finally pulls back.

"I'm shit at this, Katie," she explains poorly. It's a horrible excuse and they both know it, but Katie doesn't comment. "You should know by now that I can't... talking isn't something I do. Just because I don't say I feel something doesn't mean I don't feel it." Katie's hands slip beneath Effy's top and rest on the warm flesh of her lower back.

"This isn't how I expected my life to turn out," she admits, averting her eyes from Effy's penetrating gaze.

"Let's go," Effy says in response. Katie gives her a questioning look, one eyebrow disappearing beneath her hair.

"Go where? Emily is-"

"Fuck them. They'll be fine without us. They'll probably go off and fuck somewhere." She's already dragging Katie down the street.

"Thank you for that lovely mental image, babes." The brunette has a small smile on her face, though. It remains there the entire bus ride to Effy's, their fingers tightly entwined.

The sixth time, she's the one who initiates it, and the slow pace it takes terrifies her.

She gently pushes Katie back onto her bed and hovers over her. She memorizes Katie's face, imprinting the fierce burn in the brunette's eyes, the curved of her cheek, the shape of her lips in her mind. She places her hands on either side of Katie's head and presses their foreheads together. She closes her eyes and feels Katie's eyelashes flutter and the gentle puffs of the brunette's breath against her lips. She's never done this before. Everything has always been hard and fast with her, no strings attached. Sex is just something she does to feel good for a few hours, but with Katie it's something more.

The brunette just barely trails her fingertips over her neck and she flinches involuntarily, eyes flying open, her mind flashing back to those very same fingers wrapped tightly around her throat that night at Gobbler's End. Katie stops, an apologetic look on her face, in her eyes, and moves her hands to her shoulders. Her eyes drift shut again.

She feels Katie turn her head after a moment and then the soft brush of the brunette's plush lips over the scars on her wrists. She shudders and retaliates by pressing her mouth firmly to Katie's scar. The brunette's body jerks slightly, but she doesn't push her away. She moves her lips to Katie's, and can't stop herself from moaning into Katie's mouth. The brunette's fingers dig lightly into her shoulders, but the kiss is soft and tender and leaves her wanting.

Katie gasps out her name as she ghosts her lips over the brunette's flesh and nips at her collarbone. She takes her time, kissing her way along Katie's sternum between her breasts and down her stomach. She pauses there and traces the light outline of the muscle, raising goosebumps on the surface and making Katie shiver. She eases off the brunette's skirt and tights, caressing Katie's legs on her way back up. She kisses the crease of the smaller girls thigh and Katie lets out a shuddery moan, tangling a hand in her hair.

She knows what Katie wants, but she doesn't want this to end yet. She's fascinated by the sounds Katie makes, the way that her breath hitches each time her body is kissed. She makes her way back up Katie's body, squirming out of her top and letting out a quiet moan as her bare breasts and stomach slide against Katie's. It matches the one that escapes from Katie's parted lips. Katie kisses her passionately when she's close enough. The brunette's hand slides down to roughly rub at her through her knickers. Her hips jerk and press down against Katie's hand.

" _Fuck_ , Effy," Katie half growls, half moans into her neck as her fingers slide beneath cotton into slick heat. She can only groan into Katie's ear in response. She feels like a loose thread on a jumper that Katie has snagged and is slowly unraveling until there will be nothing of her left. She feels like she's a great fortress, slowly being destroyed by the unbreakable, unstoppable force that is Katie Fitch and that by the end of it all, she will lie in ruins. She feels like Katie is a bullet, being shot straight into her heart, shattering bone and destroying muscle and tissue on its destructive path through her chest.

She fights to keep her eyes from closing and her body upright as her limbs begin to tremble, hips grinding furiously against Katie's as stars explode in front of her eyes and her vision blackens at the corners. She focuses her gaze on Katie as she rides it all out, and the girl beneath her bites her lip so hard that it's a surprise it doesn't begin to bleed. Katie slowly pulls her hand away and examines her fingers for a few seconds before sucking them clean. She tries to catch her breath as Katie traces her hands over the sweat that has gathered on her back, and the brunette's lips caress her neck.

When her breathing is close to normal again, Katie grabs her hands and slides it between their bodies before squirming out of her knickers, which get kicked to the far corner of the room.

"Effy," Katie says breathlessly, focusing black eyes onto stormy blue ones. "I need you to fucking touch me. Right. Now." She's never felt so hot in her life. She obeys, and watches how Katie's brow furrows slightly and her eyes squeeze shut. She watches the rise and fall of her chest, and then Katie is pulled her head down and kissing her so she stop watching and focuses on the feeling of Katie's body moving beneath hers, the feeling of the brunette's muscles shifting beneath her skin, the way Katie's legs wrap around her waist, arms around her neck, holding tightly. Katie's breath is hot against her face, their lips bumping together as kissing becomes too much effort for the brunette. She's content to pepper kisses over Katie's face, then rest their lips together and breathe each others air.

She feels Katie clench around her fingers, and her back is sore from how deeply the other girl's nails have dug into her flesh. Katie is chanting her name like a mantra, over and over again in a strained whisper against her ear. The brunette holds her hand in place when she tries to pull her fingers away, body shuddering violently.

"Are you okay?" she asks softly, shocked by how husky her voice has become. Katie doesn't open her eyes, but nods and finally releases her grip on Effy's wrist. Her hair is clinging to her forehead. Effy brushes it to the side and rubs her thumb across the silken skin of the brunette's scar.

"Does this mean you fancy me, then?" Katie retorts, her hands resting lightly on Effy's hips. Her eyes open when she doesn't receive a response. Effy stares down at her, propped up on her elbows. "Effy, just say it."

"Yes, Katie," Effy answers with an eye-roll, but she feels a smile creeping onto her face and she doesn't try to fight it.


	3. Chapter 3

" _Love takes off masks that we fear we cannot live without and know we cannot live within."_  


James Arthur Baldwin

Effy isn't sure what they are. Not a couple, that's a certainty. Effy doesn't do relationships and Katie would never be caught dead dating a girl, especially Effy. The brunette can't even quite get her head about the face that she fancies a girl to begin with. They rarely hold hands in public, never kiss. They've fucked in several public places but that's beside the point. Effy doesn't voice her questions about it to Katie. The other girl is too caught up in worrying if she'll get accepted into university or not to pay much notice to anything more often than not.

She didn't even know Katie had  _applied_  to any universities, even though she had told the brunette that she had sent out applications to a few schools in London, although she had no idea what she wanted to do there. It irritates her that Katie decided this life altering decision wasn't important enough to tell her. She knows they don't spend as much time together, even though it's summer. Anthea had suggested that she get a job and Effy hadn't bothered to argue. She needed the money anyway, and like it just as much as the next person after all. But still. Katie should have told her.

So she stands behind a checkout stand in Tesco, more covered than she's ever been in her life, with her hair in a braid and a bored expression on her face. It's disgustingly humid outside and there is  _no one_  in the store. Effy's hard pressed to remember a time she's been more bored than this. She doesn't even know why she was called in, since  _obviously_ there's no need for her to be there. She ends up spending the rest of her shift flicking bits of balled up receipt paper into the trash bin by her feet.

It's dark by the time she's done and Katie's presence outside the store startles her so much that she drops the cigarette she'd been about to light.

"Holy fucking hell!  _Katie_ , what are you doing here?" she asks, bending over to retrieve her fag. "This is a bad neighbourhood." Katie rolls her eyes. Effy struggles to get her lighter to spark.

"What, am I not allowed to pick up my girlfriend from work?" the brunette replies, hands on her hips. Effy freezes, lighter halfway to the cigarette dangling between her lips when she realizes what Katie had called her.

"Your...what?"

"My girlfr-oh.  _Shit._ " The brunette's eyes go wide, her jaw dropping.  _Girlfriend._  The word echos in her head. Not this again. They were doing fine with whatever they were. Effy doesn't do relationships. Can't do relationships. But Katie considers them a couple.

She feels the panic rising, all the walls closing in again. The eye of the storm has passed and now it's worse than before. Katie opens her mouth to say something else. Effy doesn't let her.

She runs, cigarette falling from her lips.

She's not sure how she ends up at Naomi's house, because the Tesco she works at is quite a ways away from it, but she does. She doesn't knock either, but collapses against the door loudly enough that it doesn't matter. She slides down until she's sitting, her chest burning painfully and her breath coming in short, wheezy gasps. She falls backwards when the door opens suddenly, looking up into the face of an extremely shocked Emily.

"What the  _fuck?_ " the redhead exclaims, calling for Naomi when she doesn't receive and answer. Naomi's expression mirrors the look of shock on her girlfriend's face.

"Effy, what the fuck?" Effy shakes her head, trying to catch her breath. Naomi helps her to her feet and then to the couch. Emily gives them both an annoyed look before stomping up the stairs. Naomi watches her go with a sigh before turning her attention back to Effy. A door slams. Naomi flinches.

"What the fuck, Effy?" she repeats, sitting next to her on the sofa.

"Katie."

"What about Katie?"

"Called me her girlfriend."

"So? Effy glares at the blonde. "I didn't do relationships either, Effy. Or friends. But obviously Katie wants one with you and I  _know_ how strongly you feel about her.  _Don't_  try to argue." Effy crosses her arms over her chest. "They're not that bad, Eff. Actually, they're rather fucking wonderful most of the time. Give it a try."

"I gave it a try," Effy snaps, taking a deep breath to calm herself.

"Freddie is an angsty little prick and didn't know how to handle you  _or_  Katie.  _Katie_  however, does know how to handle you and you her. I know it's scary, believe me. And, yeah, Emily and I have our issues, but at the end of the day we still love each other. Running only makes things worse." Naomi chews on her lip and gazes softly towards the stairs, her expression growing distant. "Look," she continues, after shaking her head once, "just go home and phone her. Stop running from it, Effy. I'd like to think I'm your friend, so please, trust me with this."

"You  _are_  my friend." Naomi smiles at her and gives her a quick hug.

"Take my advice, then." Effy shakes her head quickly.

"I can't. I need... time. I need time."

"It's late. Just stay here the night. You can stay in the guest room," Naomi offers and Effy accepts with a silent nod.

She hears them arguing through the wall.

"Naomi, she almost  _killed_  my fucking sister!" Emily says furiously. "Excuse me for not wanting her spending the night in  _our_   _fucking_  house."

"The two of them get on better than you know, Emily," Naomi replies. Her voice is oddly calm. Level.

"What the  _fuck_  do you mean by that?"

"Katie called Effy her girlfriend. That's why she's here. She's afraid. I don't know exactly what they are, or what's going on with them, and I don't think they do either." Effy waits for the explosion.

" _WHAT!?_ " Emily yelps.

"Emily, calm down."

"My  _sister_ and _her_ arefucking...  _fucking?_  Katie's  _not_  gay."

"Neither is Effy.  _NO,_  Emily, leave Effy alone."

"She's my  _fucking sister,_ Naomi."

"And she's my  _fucking friend_." Effy hears Emily sigh loudly. "She's afraid, Ems. Katie fucking scared the shit out of her with this, and there's a possibility that Katie scared herself, too."

"Why the fuck didn't Katie tell me?"

"Bit hypocritical of her to tell you she fancies a girl after giving you and I so much shit."

"She's not gay."

"You're starting to sound like she did last year." It's quiet for a while, and then Effy hears them begin to talk again, but their voices are too soft for her to make out more than a few words in each sentence. She pulls the blanket Naomi gave her up to her chin and rolls onto her back, staring up through the darkness at the ceiling.

She never thought she'd have to go through this with Katie. She'd been sure that Katie's pride would prevent her from tacking any sort of label onto whatever it is she and Effy are. _Girlfriend..._  Effy rubs her eyes with the palms of her hands, digging them in. Naomi's right, she knows that. Running fucks things up and the blonde's relationship with Emily has been a pristine example of that. But fucking things up is what Effy is good at. She tried a relationship with Freddie and fucked that up and she loved him. Or she thought she did. She's not sure any more. Katie is deep under her skin, digging around in her roots and slowly, methodically pulling out each and every one, undoing Effy's very foundations.

Her phone goes off in the dark, a rectangular flash of blue light illuminating the darkness surrounding her. It vibrates softly on the carpet where it had fallen out of her bag. Katie is calling. Effy slowly reaches down, thumb hesitating over the call button before finally pressing it. She raises her phone to her ear and tries to say hello, but her voice catches in her throat.

"Effy, you there?" Effy clears her throat. It's enough. "Where are you?"

"Naomi's house." Katie makes a barely disguised noise of disgust.

"Why are you there?"

"I can't go home. And she's my friend."

"Well, I want to see you." Effy sighs and throws her arm over her eyes. "We need to like, talk, yeah."

"Katie. I don't know," she replies. Katie lets out a frustrated sigh that matches hers.

"Don't know what?"

"Anything," Effy says blankly and hangs up. She lays her phone on her stomach and jumps when it vibrates once. She's tempted to read the message, knows it's from Katie, but she forces her hand to stay still. Her arm is pressing hard enough against her eyes that she sees colours intruding in the corners of her closed eyelids. When she feels a headache beginning to form, she moves her arms and rolls onto her side, clutching her phone to her chest.

She dreams of Gobbler's End again, but it's only her and Katie this time and she's high on shrooms and Katie's not, but they're both laughing and holding hands, laying on their backs by the fire. Katie rolls on top of her and kisses her languidly. She raises her hands to the brunette's face, smiling into the kiss. There's something slick against her fingers and when she pulls them away, there's blood coating them. Katie's body is suddenly a dead weight on hers. She panics, pushes the body off, slaps Katie's cheeks. Nothing. Shakes her shoulders. Nothing. Pounds on her chest. Nothing. Katie isn't breathing. She tries to remember how to do CPR. Can't. She checks Katie's pulse. There isn't one.

She wakes up screaming and doesn't sleep for the rest of the night.

Naomi comments quietly on the tired look in Effy's eyes when Effy finally joins her and Emily in the kitchen. Effy shrugs the blonde's observation off and briefly meets Emily's eyes. They're different than Katie's, she notes. A shade or two darker. Her face isn't quite as round, her lips a slightly different shape.

"Hi, Effy," the redhead says, her voice cracking. It's tight, but her tone is friendly enough. Effy offers a small smile in response and a soft "thank you" when Emily pushes a cup of tea into her hands.

"Katie called me, this morning," Naomi states, seating herself between them. Emily's eyes go wide in surprise.

"What? When?"

"You were still sleeping," Naomi comments offhandedly and looks at Effy. "Anyway, I explained to her the same thing I explained to you, although it took considerably longer since she wouldn't shut the fuck up for a good while and let me properly explain." Effy just stares at her. "She understands, I think."

"She rang me, too. Last night," she says quietly after a moment. Emily sips at her coffee, her gaze shifting constantly between the two of them.

"What did you tell her?" Naomi asks.

"Nothing."

"Katie's not very patient," Emily cuts in, fixing Effy with a hard stare. "She'll give you time, but she's not going to wait very long." Effy is taken aback by Emily's comment. Naomi just smiles. Effy glances at her, a silent thanks passing between them. Naomi must have gotten Emily to accept it the previous night.

"I understand," she tells Emily. The redhead's eyes search hers.

"Good, because if you string her along and break her heart, I'll find a fucking rock to crack  _your_  head open with." Effy barks out a laugh and Emily cracks a slow smile.

"Deal."

It's a week before she reads the text that Katie had sent her that night. It's been sitting unopened, but not ignored in her inbox and she stared at it every day, but could never bring herself to open it, too afraid of what it might contain. All it is is an apology. Effy scolds herself for being so foolish. During that week, Effy calls out sick from work twice, then gets fired for being caught with a half empty bottle of vodka in the break room, quite obviously off her tits, smoking a spliff. She ends up trying to hold in giggles the entire walk home, because the look on her manager's face was fucking priceless and she's leaving soon for London, anyway, so fuck her job at Tesco.

Emily calls her once as well, which is a surprise, and they spend a few hours together walking around the city.

"Naomi's panicking over her letter from LSE not having arrived yet, and there's nothing I can do to calm her down, so I figured I'd spend some time with you. There must be something special about you since Katie likes you so much," Emily says to her when Effy asks why she rang. "Fuck knows why, though." She smiles. Effy laughs.

"Your guess is as good as mine."

They have a nice day out, thankfully, snagging lunch and poking around in a couple small shops. When they're in a jewelry store, which Emily insisted they look in so she could try and figure out something to buy Naomi for her birthday or their anniversary or something like that, Effy browses the racks of necklaces and bracelets with little interest. And then something catches her eye. She pauses and peers through the glass case at the necklace. It's simple enough, four diamonds strung in a row, decreasing in size. She glances at the price tag and winces. A woman in black appears out of nowhere, almost making Effy jump.

"Can I help you?" Effy gazes at the necklaces for a second longer. Katie would love it. She shakes her head.

"Just looking."

Eventually, Emily leaves to go home and have dinner with Naomi and Effy continues wandering around Bristol. Her mood is somber now that she's alone. Effy's dream about Gobbler's End returns every night and she wonders if Emily simply didn't notice the circles under her eyes or just had enough respect not to comment on them. She's had nightmares about Gobbler's End before, the one in the hospital and before, although the latter consisted solely of the events of that night replaying themselves in her head. Katie's been good about giving her time. She hasn't texted or called, and Effy hasn't seen her around.

Emily's words rattle around in her mind. She doesn't want to fuck Katie around. She's tired of fucking everything up. She'd like to be happy for once, and she would be happy each time she's around Katie if she wasn't so fucking scared all the time. Things with Katie aren't like they were with Freddie and Cook. She can't explain it, and she doesn't know how to deal with it. Naomi's only good for so many things, advice not really being one of them.

But she can't avoid Katie forever, and she's fairly certain that Emily will follow through on her threat if she doesn't act soon, and she doesn't fancy having her skull smashed open by an angry lesbian.

She goes back to the jewelry store and ends up blowing most of the money that she made at Tesco and doesn't even know why.

Showing up at the Fitches caravan isn't exactly the brightest idea she's ever had, but then again, neither was nearly killing Katie, or trying to kill  _herself_  so she just adds it to the ever growing list of monumental fuck ups and idiotic things she's done. Jenna is the one who meets her, scowling down her nose, and Effy suddenly understands why Naomi is so horrified by this woman. Jenna gives her a once over, then scowls, disapproval clear in her eyes. And now she understands why Emily lived with Naomi, even when the two of them weren't speaking at all.

"Can I help you?" Jenna asks snappily.

"Is Katie in?"

"Who wants to know?"

"Effy." Yet another thing to add to her list. Realization dawns in Jenna's eyes.

"You've got a lot of nerve coming 'round here after what you did to my daughter. You left her for dead and now you think that you can just waltz over and tell me you want to speak to her. It's bad enough that she insisted on seeing you in that hospital. How exactly did you find out where we live?" Effy bites her tongue, mildly surprised that Jenna didn't just slam the door in her face and tries to figure out what to say. Naomi had told her where to find the caravan, but Effy doesn't want to incriminate her anymore in Jenna's eyes and telling her that Emily or Katie had given her the information would probably be just as bad. She's saved by said twin pushing Jenna out of the way and flashing Effy and apologetic look.

"It's okay, Mum," Katie says and steps outside before Jenna can raise an argument, shutting the door behind her. "Sorry."

"Can we go somewhere?" Katie nods.

"Yeah, let me put some shoes on." Effy stands a few paces away from the caravan smoking a fag as she waits. She can hear yelling coming from inside, but Katie either wins the argument or gives up because she comes out anyway with a bottle of wine in one hand and a sweatshirt in the other. Effy starts to walk, and Katie falls into step besides her, not a few paces behind like she used to. They're on equal ground now, Effy thinks to herself, lighting up another cigarette. She silently offers it to Katie, but the brunette shakes her head, just as quiet. She's tempted to reach out and take Katie's hand, but she keeps hers at her side, forcing her fingers to relax.

They walk in silence until they end up in a park. It's nice out, surprisingly, and as the air grows colder Katie slings the sweatshirt she's carrying around her shoulders. Effy takes a moment to watch the sun shining on her profile as they settle into the grass on the hillside, looking over Bristol. There's no space between them. Their shoulders and arms touch until Katie moves hers and leans back, supporting her weight on her hands. The brunette cracks open the bottle of wine and takes a small sip then holds it out for Effy. She takes it, drinks some, then settles the bottle between her knees.

"I'm sorry," Effy says. She's surprised it took her this long. "For Gobbler's End." Katie doesn't look at her, she doesn't look at Katie.

"Yeah. Me, too." The jewelry box weighs heavily in the pocket of her jacket. She takes another sip of the wine and passes it back to Katie. "And for... you know, calling you my girlfriend." Effy doesn't respond for a while and Katie doesn't press the matter.

"Did you get accepted to any universities?" Effy asks, figuring that she dragged Katie out here to talk so they might as well talk. She wants to know, anyway.

"A couple art schools in London. You?"

"UCL."

"Really?" Katie asks, looking over in shock. Effy nods.

"Yeah. Surprised me as well."

"Are you going to go?" Effy nods again. "What for?" She shrugs.

"I don't know yet."

"Got time to figure it out, I guess."

"I want to try." Katie lays back in the grass, one arm on her stomach while the other holds the wine bottle against her side. Effy follows suit.

"Try what? Uni?"

"No."

"Then what?" Katie asks, followed by a small, "oh" as she realizes what Effy meant.

"I know I'm shit at it, but I want to try," Effy continues, and makes herself turn her head to the side so she can gaze at Katie's profile until the brunette looks at her. "With you." She can tell Katie is fighting to keep a smile from lighting up her face. She can tell that Katie is scared, maybe just as much as she is, can see it in her eyes. Katie licks her lips, then leans in and kisses Effy softly.

"If I call you my girlfriend, are you going to run away again?" Effy shrugs.

"I won't make any promises, or guarantee, but I'll try."

"This is scary for me, too. I was so sure of who I was." Katie's lips curl into another smile against hers. "You fucked that up, too, I think," she continues, but there's nothing cruel about her words.

"I guess I did," Effy agrees, with a small smile that matches Katie's. She finds herself smiling a lot around the brunette.

"You're not going to go all psycho on me like you did on Freddie, are you?" Effy shakes her head and kisses Katie again so she'll shut the hell up, because Effy's not in the mood to talk anymore, just to feel Katie's silky lips against hers.

"I suppose I should tell Emily," Katie mutters when she finally pulls away just as Effy can feel her lips beginning to chap. Effy steals the wine bottle while the brunette is distracted and takes a hearty swig.

"She already knows."

"She does? How?" Katie splutters.

"Naomi," Effy replies matter of factly, lighting up a cigarette.

"How'd she take it?"

"Better than you took them. Or us, for that matter."

"I was a bit of a twat, wasn't I?" Katie says with a short laugh.

"Was?" Effy teases, exhaling through her nose and watching the smoke disappear into the twilight above their heads. Katie shoves her arm. Effy shoves back. Katie shoves harder and Effy drops her cigarette. It's strangely reminiscent of when Freddie took her to the park right before her breakdown, except now she doesn't feel as much like the world is going to crash down on her at any moment. Katie's still strong. She still keeps the demons away. Effy pushes her back again. Katie rolls on top and pins her hands into the grass. It's cool against her skin while Katie's lips are hot against her face.

"So," Effy says against Katie's mouth, because they're... girlfriends now, so she has to talk, "are you going to go to those art schools?" This is as good a topic as any, she thinks, because suddenly there's a future to think about, but she tries not to because it just makes her want to run all over again.

"Well, it's either that or be stuck here for fuck knows how long and I'd rather design clothing or paint or sculpt or whatever than put up with my family, so yeah."

"Isn't Emily going to school in London?"

"Yeah, but we're not going to the same school, obviously. And I'd rather be around her than my fucking parents and pervert of a brother." Katie pushes herself up on her elbow and gives Effy a once over. "Good thing he didn't see you. He probably would have said something and make mum have a fit." Effy laughs. Katie's hand skims down her side. It makes Effy shudder. It's getting harder to see Katie now, and Effy notices that it's gotten pretty dark.

"I should take you home," she says.

"I'll stay out however late I want," Katie says with an eyeroll, but then she sighs and rolls off Effy into the grass. Effy sits up and stretches before gracefully getting to her feet and offering her hand to Katie. The brunette takes it and Effy holds it the entire way back to the caravan. Katie swings them back and forth slightly as they walk. Effy slips her free hand into her pocket to look for her cigarettes and her hand brushes against the jewelry box. She'd forgotten about it, which is stupid because she spent a ridiculously large amount of money on it.

Katie's hand feels right in hers. It's nice.

When she drops Katie back off at the caravan, the sky is black and Jenna is glaring out the window at them. Effy stares back briefly, but loses the match and turns her gaze back to Katie.

"I'd give you a goodnight kiss, but I think she'd have a heart attack and I don't need that on my conscience," the brunette says. She's still smiling. Effy thinks it's rather beautiful. Fucking hell she's already turning into a sap. Poor Naomi. This must have been how she felt.

"Public displays of affection aren't really my thing," Effy comments distantly. Katie's face drops slightly.

"Right." Effy's fingers curl around the box in her pocket, and then she smirks, her eyes flicking to Jenna as she pulls it out and pushes it into Katie's hand, placing a hot kiss on the brunette's lips and then turning and casually walking away. Effy hears Katie splutter, feels her eyes on her. She knows Katie will give her shit for it later, but she's not now and, well, Effy still needs to keep some of her old self around.

The next time she sees Katie, a few days later, the brunette bitches at her about how she had to explain for an hour to her mum that it was just a friendly kiss, because "Effy and I are getting along alright now. I forgave her for the whole rock thing so you should, too, okay?", but she's wearing the necklace Effy bought her and that makes her heart swell for some reason. Katie's still babbling on about how her mum's going to keel over dead one of these days, so Effy kisses her again, because that seems to be the only way to get her to be quiet.

Katie insists that they take a trip to London, just for the day, to play tourist before the city becomes their life, even though Katie's been there several times before and she's seen everything. She's surprised when Effy admits that she thinks she's been there once, but it was back when she was really young and she doesn't remember anything.

"We're going then. Tomorrow." Effy rolls her eyes.

"You're a shit boyfriend," Katie teases. "You haven't taken me on a single date yet. So you're taking me to London tomorrow and indulging me."

"Maybe the reason I'm a shit boyfriend is because I'm your  _girlfriend,"_ Effy retorts. She doesn't mind the teasing, though.

"You still have to take me out on dates."

"Fine! Fine."

"It'll be fun!" Katie exclaims and then kisses her and she perks up immediately.

Katie holds her hand on the train down, she'd have driven but this is easier, which surprises her since Katie's not really into the whole public displays of affection thing, not with her at least, and still conscious of the fact that Effy is a girl. Effy's still getting used to it, too, and she's as adverse to PDA as Katie is. She spends the train ride staring out the window and stroking the back of Katie's hand with her thumb. Katie lets go when they get off, of course, but part of Effy wishes that she hadn't.

Katie drags Effy to all her favourite landmarks and into several stores, so she ends up letting Effy pick where they eat and she's content. She flips Katie off when the brunette insists they take pictures, but other than that doesn't protest. Instead, she asks Katie to give her the camera after a while, because Katie's hands are shaky and Effy's aren't and she can get copies of the pictures for both of them. After promising several times and swearing once on her brother's life that she  _won't_  delete the pictures, Katie finally relinquishes control of the camera to her.

"Don't break it, okay?" Katie warns as Effy fiddles around with the camera, changing the settings to what she wants. "'Cos, like, Emily hasn't got one and I can't afford to buy a new one." Effy rolls her eyes at the brunette and spontaneously snaps a picture of her with the wind whipping around her face and her hand at the cover of her lips as she pulls it out of her mouth. "I better look good in that."

"You do," Effy comments, sliding the camera into her bag. "Come on. I want some doughnuts." Katie giggles and slides her fingers between Effy's as they cross the street. Effy buys two doughnuts, one for her, cream filled, and one for Katie, powdered, and they eat them slowly on the corner. There are less people walking around now, and Katie is more relaxed, although she looks cold despite having a jacket on. She's managed to get powder from her doughnut on the tip of her nose and corner of her mouth. Effy snickers, brushing the crumbs on her fingers off. Katie glares at her.

"What?" Effy doesn't answer. She pulls on Katie's hand and meets the brunette's eyes as she licks the powder off the other girl's fingers. She watches as Katie's breath hitches and she looks around wildly to make sure no one is watching as her face flushes bright pink. Effy kisses the powder off her nose and licks it off of her lips, which ends up turning into a full on snog against the bricks of the wall of the sweets shop.

She thinks it's kind of romantic, kissing under the lights of the city, with her hands on Katie's hips and the brunette's tangled up in her hair.

"Was this an adequate date?" Effy asks with her mouth still resting against Katie's.

"The weather is shit, my feet hurt, this wind is fucking up my hair, we had McDonald's for dinner and I'm cold," Katie responds, her eyes dancing. "I'm having a horrible time." So Effy kisses her again.

She could get used to this.

End.


End file.
